For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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