Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
