mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
