the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
