an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
