And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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