Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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