Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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