I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
