So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
If I die, sorry about rent.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
