It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
