just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
