Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I could make wine with my vomit
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
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