I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
