and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
