It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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