even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I could fuck to npr.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
my liver is dry heaving
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
