3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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