My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
