i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
