things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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