Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
