I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
