I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
