the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
