Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
