The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
