So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
