I accidentally had phone sex last night
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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