we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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