he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
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He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
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I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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