I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
