Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
