Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
