How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
