I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
i've created a new STD.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
