I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
