She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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