When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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