he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
