If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
