At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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