Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I smell like Dick and happiness
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