can we get nightvision for the apartment?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
