Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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