Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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