It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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