You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
