On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
