I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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