i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
operation have a gay friend backfired
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
