i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
