every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
This house was built for laser tag.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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