Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
